Wednesday, 17 August 2011
An urgent plea for “massive numbers” of new pundit volunteers to help prevent the UK word shortage plunging “from crisis to catastrophe” was issued by the nation’s media today.
In the wake of last week’s country-wide disturbances broadcasters and newspapers have been using up verbiage in such enormous quantities that supplies are threatened with exhaustion and original ideas have dwindled almost to nil.
“Our punditry resources have been stretched virtually to breaking point, with some channels, like Radio 5, demanding almost a 24/7 service,” said a BBC spokeswomen.
“We are urging potential pundits to step forward, now.
“We know some people may be hesitant because they fear being asked for nuanced analysis or rounded perceptions, appreciations of complexity or a conciliatory approach.
“But this isn’t the case at all.
“On the one hand we’re looking for people who think the coalition is a Da Vinci Code style conspiracy to snaffle all the iced buns for the top table and consign the rest of us to a truly miserable life grubbing together bricks without straw to build a huge mausoleum for Margaret Thatcher.
“These pundits will probably argue that the ‘rioters’ are legitimate heirs to a tradition of dissent stretching back to the Millenarians, Muggletonians, Shakers, Shovellers, Ranters, Quakers, the Yetties and the Tolpuddle Martyrs.
“On the other hand we’re looking for pundits who believe Ed Miliband and his team are avatars of Brezhnev-style International Socialism who propose to abolish the family, the scouting movement, afternoon tea, Her Majesty the Queen (and her court and dependants), the Archers, the Ineffable Name of God and the Retrospectives of Val Doonican.
“These pundits are likely to assert that the ‘rioters’ were a motley of malodorous native youths from the working classes, immigrant Mutant Ferox from Malign Deep Space and zealots of Baal and Moloch who only sacked Mothercare in lieu of an opportunity to sacrifice Christian babies.
“So basically we want volunteers with extreme and unshakeable opinions and objectionable manners – controversialists and sound-biters with jagged teeth who’ll use the riots as a pretext to ride the hobby horses of their prejudices so hard that sparks fly out of their arses.”
News Just In: During a phone-in last night a Mr Seng-ts’an, originally from China, was reported to have said: “If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is a disease of the mind.”
His remarks are being investigated as possibly offensive and potentially actionable by Ofcom, the BBC Trust, the Broadcasting Standards Commission and the House of Commons Culture Media and Sport Committee. In the meantime, tell us what YOU think...